Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Time Travel Finds Childhood Insecurities

I felt like I was back in time.  I traveled back to when I was twelve years old, living with my parents and my sister and all my insecurities.  It all came flooded back to me.  I thought I had left that baggage at the door long ago.  I guess not as these last few days I reverted back to the girl I was all those years ago.  I longed for approval.  I wanted to feel smart.  I felt like I couldn't say anything right.  I wanted to be accepted for me.

These feelings of inadequacy caught me off guard.  I thought I conquered them long ago as I feel so empowered by the person I have become and so loved by God and my family.  I quickly learned that professionally I was valued as I worked my way through the ranks of public companies quickly and then was able to pick and choose which positions I wanted to fit with my family life.  I may not have the most elaborate vocabulary as others in this world, but I speak simply and to the point.  I speak so that all may understand.   I do have knowledge about many things even if it's different than other's knowledge.  I just don't have the skill of "on the spot" sharing when I feel like I'm being attacked or put on the spot.  My brain doesn't work that fast to come up with rational responses.  It does work fast, but will blurt out irrational things that make no sense or will hurt feelings.  I am human and I know my limitations.  I have learned these things about myself over the years.

So why the Back to the Future adventure?  It really rocked my world.  Maybe I do still need to work on letting go of my past and accepting me for me.  I need to enjoy my family for who they are and not trying to prove to them who I am.  God made me for a reason.  I don't need to share that reason with them.  They will see it play out as I will.

Then also, I realized that I may have lost the empathy I need as I mother.  I get caught up in how it all should work and we should just let go of things and choose to move on and be happy.  It's all good in theory but reality is a much different game.  These feelings are very real just like feelings our children feel.  At times, our children go through life and it seems trivial and we as parents try and minimize their situation to help them get over it.  However, we have to recognize that it is very real to them.  We have to acknowledge that it's real to them.  This time travel trip for me wasn't the most pleasant but maybe it was just what this Mom needed.


2 comments:

  1. HI, I came across your blog @ bloggers. I must say that I really enjoy reading your posts. You have a wonderful blog & I'm looking forward in reading more. Im new to the blogging world & learning as I go ;)
    Blessings, April
    filledwithgodslove.blogspot.com

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  2. I appreciate your kind words. Blogging is just sharing what is on your heart. I know you are doing great and will learn so much about blogging and yourself along the way. I know I have. I also believe we can learn from each other from each other along the way. Good luck with your blog and blessings to you and your family!

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